I’ve been fortunate in my life to run across very few people who have absolutely no sense of humor. I should say I haven’t run across very many in person, because social media is teeming with cabbageheads who either can’t recognize humor or who think the proper response is not to laugh but to derail the joke with deadly earnestness.
(There are also those who simply rephrase the joke and think they too have accomplished humor. They are wrong, and not the subject of this essay.)
I now direct your attention to Exhibit A, the meme at the right. A comedian named Jesse Case posted this on Twitter and it appeared in my Facebook feed courtesy of The 3-0 Take Podcast, one of the many baseball entities I follow. Let’s break it down, shall we?
“If baseball really wanted to get exciting…”
Here’s the set-up. Baseball fans will recognize it right away as a response to the tired old trope that the sport is uninteresting. Mr Case assumes he’s talking to people who will get this—but let’s see what’s next.
“…they’d let a celebrity throw the LAST pitch.”
The joke could have ended right there and the baseball fan with a sense of humor would have chuckled, imagining the wacky shenanigans resulting from the celebrity first-pitch tradition being turned upside down. At this point everyone should know a joke has been told, but wait—here comes the payoff:
“Bases loaded, here’s Danny DeVito.”
That’s perfect, right there. Lots of celebrity names would get a laugh there but DeVito is a great choice and as it happens there’s a picture of him throwing out a first pitch in a Phillies jersey. Good stuff. 10/10, as the kids say.
However. For some reason, this particular meme/tweet/whatever brought the cabbageheads out of the woodwork. Why? Was it intentional? Part of some nefarious plot to build a database of the utterly humorless? I hope it wasn’t nefarious. It might have been nefarious. I don’t know. Either way, here are some of the most bizarre and humor-deprived comments to this bit of whimsy, edited for grammar and spelling and sorted into categories.
The People You Don’t Want in the Crowd at Your Standup Show Category
Ted Derpington: “The people who think baseball is boring need to just quit watching it.”
Roger Derpwell: “Baseball is exciting—you’re clueless.”
It wouldn’t have mattered what came after “If baseball really wanted to get exciting.” It could have been lorem ipsum the rest of the way out. It could have been George Carlin’s baseball vs football routine. Roger and Ted only read the first seven words, rushed to defend their sport, and missed an opportunity to enjoy a good joke. I have no doubt that one of them went back and read it over and is now working on a reply that explains why signing Danny DeVito would mean forcing a more deserving player off the 40-man roster.
The Captain Obvious is Bucking for a Promotion Category
Larry McDerp: “How would you know it would be the last pitch? That’s what’s exciting about baseball. You can’t predict the ending, ever.”
Derp Derpleton: “The problem with this horrible idea is that there is no definite LAST pitch.”
Oh, these guys are on their way to Admiral Obvious and Five-Star General Obvious right here. “We must enlighten the masses who don’t understand baseball, including the clueless original tweeter and, if necessary, Danny DeVito himself!” At no point in Derp Derpleton’s thought process did it occur to him that this might be a joke. No, he actually took the time to think it over and call it a horrible idea.
The Please Share a Bit of Your Master’s Thesis on How to Improve Baseball Category
John O’Derpy: “Play fewer games, cut the season, salaries, and playoffs to half. Play fewer weekday/night games. And encourage people to tailgate and party like NFL/college football games. With fewer games there is more incentive to go to games. Baseball’s biggest problem is not being too long, it is too many games…”
John goes on for another paragraph and never acknowledges the joke. But at least he got that off his chest.
And finally, The This Would Be A Good Idea If It Didn’t Involve Danny DeVito Category
Maurice Derp-Cabbage Jr: “Not a fan of his.”