Hillsboro Publishing, LLC

An Excerpt from Confessions of the Tenth-Smartest Person in the World (and Other Delusions)

 

  LB: What made you pick trombone?

  Dono: There was a night when all the reps from the instrument manufacturers would display all their wares in the Fountain Central band room, and you could browse around and get a feel for what you might like. I couldn’t imagine learning all the fingerings for the three valves on the trumpet, let alone all the keys on a sax. When I found out a trombone only had six positions—seven if your arms were long enough—I figured it’d be easy to learn. Plus, there’s just something nicely weird about a trombone. I think my first one was a Bundy that cost about $150. The trombone section in fifth-grade band was me, Bill DeSutter, Lee Anna Rice, Jill Quirk, and Larry Bell, and let me tell you, we rocked the whole notes, which were the only kind the arrangers for fifth-grade band charts assumed trombonists could play. If we ever saw a note with a stem on it we assumed we’d been given the wrong music. I asked Mrs Shade once why the trombones never got the melody, and she said the low brass had a big responsibility and someday, if we stuck with it, we’d eventually get to carry the melody. In the meantime, though—whole notes, whole notes, whole notes, which is why I wasn’t all that hepped up on practicing. We had practice slips that showed how much you practiced each day and had to be turned in every Tuesday. Mine generally had 15 minutes on Monday and a total of 15 minutes for the week. Gee, I’d better practice some more—I don’t think I have that whole note down yet. Trombonists are the offensive linemen of fifth-grade band: “Here, you go accept this big responsibility while everyone else does the scoring.”